It's like God shit irony all over that family
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
