saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
