Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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