i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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