I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
