Pregnant stripper...not hot.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
