i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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