I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
