I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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