I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
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Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
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Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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