Just fell off a train. Bad.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
