we're chasing vodka with high fives
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
