Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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