its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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