So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
