the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
