Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
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How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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