My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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