So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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