Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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