I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
