So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
