So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
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I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
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He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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