I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
