just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
