Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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