just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
