I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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