Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.