i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
