just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
