My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
