I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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