apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
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