I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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