Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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