I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
