Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
