We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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