remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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