this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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