I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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