i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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