You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
