I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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