It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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