I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
