it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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