You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
