I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Randomize
