I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
