We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
