I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
