the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
