It's Friday. Sex?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
