Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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