My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
