If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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