Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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