Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
well you can't waste a boner
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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