How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
