Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
